30th Aug, 2006

i couldn't write anymore yesterday. its too hard.

i encountered more of the same today. went to the muslim area of ahmedabad to visit a ngo called samerth that is working on teaching peace to the children and helping rehabilitate women.
and i still can't write about it. after all, what is there to write about? what happened happened. its been happening for centuries, it took a particularly ugly form in 2002 (though still not the ugliest the world has seen), and it continues today - in the horrifying acts of sudan and in the minds and hearts of most indians.

last night i had a dream. i can't remember it quite clearly but there are parts that are very lucid. there was a technique that someone had invented - of turning humans into invincible robots. i visited the lady who had invented and was vaguely disturbed by the potential evil it could unleash. then i came home and was very happy to see someone (an older black guy?!?!) who was apparently a friend of the family. he joked that he'd take me to bed and carried me into the bedroom and we were both laughing about it. once we got to my bedroom, i saw that the bed was decorated with rose petals and candles. i realized that it was probably my husband (yes, i had a husband in the dream - it was apparently ok to have extramarital sex in that world), and i apologized to the friend, saying that it was so sweet of my husband to decorate the bed like that so i had to go to him. then i found my husband in another bedroom and he was getting ready to go bed, all normal and drowzy and not in any mood for pleasing me. he had no idea about the decorated bed. i was puzzled but didn't see anything sinister in this. suddenly, my husband, the family friend and a third guy whose character is fuzzy at this point, turned into the invincible killing machines and started approaching me. i was terrified.

i usually don't make anything of dreams. but today, i retired early in deep depression and have been crying my heart out for what seems like hours. its that same feeling - where suddenly, everything that was familiar and much loved my you has taken on a sinister lethal appearance. and now, you feel so betrayed. and so horribly bitter. because, like in the dream, i knew about the danger, but didn't do anything at the time.

i feel a deep sense of revulsion towards other human beings right now. yes, its a small minority that actually perpetrated the horrible acts, but its a miniscule pathetically trivial minority that tried to stop them too. where were the rest? where are the rest? where was i?

i think i am crying because my insides are being ripped by this duality within me - one side that wants to fix the world, is ready to do anything, is planning padyatras and is ready to embark on hunger strikes, anything - and the one side that is crippled by this horrible inertia, a deep sense of inadequacy, impotency, an insecurity that i am so quick to take things on and so ineffectual in carrying them out.

will i leave gujarat and forget? is that all i can do?